I believe in god like I believe in physics. God is as much of a self-perpetuated mechanism as time or history or the assembly line. It is just a way for us to go home; a kind of Flintstones car. You could just walk but you have to use this whole other contraption to make you think you're going somewhere.

(Don't get me wrong. I have a very intimate faith. I just fail to see why it matters whether god's out or in.)


Ughh. Sorry I haven't got a cleaner allegory. Would it help if I told you what happened? How I parallel this in my live life? If I bitch more about getting fat or college essays or what's happening in Oaxaca? Please tell me. I need you to advise me just as much as I need you to touch me.

It's not so much.

 

I am not too much.

I've been considering my strange blood-time. Every thing was so much harder and longer for my mother, who decided never to wait for anybody. It was survival, while my dad could afford to wait by the road for the right ride.

Here are the tracks I've laid from the latest weeks; they read like thick repitition and slum drum.

"look at us. playing back against our own bit tongues. Two-bit, lock-pick pornography. this is how we sell ourselves. how many times have i proffered my body as a tool of keeping it all wrapped-up, packed-up and choked up in that satin? I have to promise not to become red and rusty and ultimatly cold when no-one comes to wrap my waist" (so they say of race and sex).          "These hills and trains are supposed to roll through my blood at this thrummm. My god. The spirit has moved me, this time south of the Mason-Dixon" (I have been there).        "Call me whore. Debased, free-base. Get back in line! I feel like I've been crucified on clock hands. What I found under my tongue: 'It's sorta like I been laid bare o'er those hills, like my body's been broken open and now my viscera's spilt accross the land.'

Cross me. Mount me. Mine Me."

If that ain't no divine shadow, I don't know what is.

I can't stop thinking about it down there.
North Carolina. June, in perfect health:
"Quiedra- Este monan~as solamente me recuerdan a los muslos, a los se`nos y a las naglas perfectas. En este tierra no hay solamente tu cuerpo. Tambien, hay el camino vas de excursio`n con los pies desnudo. Es el regocijo que te comes. Caminas con silencio y alegri`a.
Q.B.S.M.,
Tu mano derecha."

And my blood luck. Which is really either destiny or "getting away with it."
I'm not your son. I wish I didn't have to pull in my tits to stick out my thumb.
I know I'm going to stay there.

I've been thinking alot about Jesus heart lately. I'm not a Jesuswoman, but maybe I made a mistake when I decided to take this thing into my hands, using my head. Inserting organs into my brain- changing the fractions. 10/8. 1.25. But instead of the fire that should be there, "I've felt like water all year." Bas mental flooding. I feel like I'm walking on water, and it's that interminable inch that's giving me this dis ease. 1.25.06: "Does this constitute a crisis of faith?" How much more human do I have to be?
I always dream of water.

4.24.05:
"I want some lover for this warm season."




God, I am humored.

My neighbors know me better. The blinds I was supposed to close over my room are transparent, and, what's worse, I open them at night. They have seen me splendorous at best but they also watched each inch of flesh I've opened. Crevices and orifices; I've foisted ever hole on their eyes. This is dead viscera. Because I have them, I've learned to keep my mirrors small.

My message now is acrid. This kind of stench does not invoke memories or bless good work. (I do not work anymore). It aches your front teeth and stains your day.

The facing's all the same. Thank you?

"I'm love you, endearfully. don't go too far. i don't want to be covered in sand. i don't want to gaze only at sea. see naught but the sea. i don't want to be buried by treasure. please find your paddles and meet me by the sea. like the golden olden days. cmon with me, anachrome-eyes. i do love you so please, lovemetoo"

I bought this from Elise.

"post a comment on anything that you want, and post it anonymously.
it can be anything. a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything.
it can be about anyone. me, you, a parent, a sibling, a crush.
be sure to post anonymously and honestly. post twice if you'd like.
then, if you want, put this in your journal to see what your friends have to say."

That's what she said.




I haven't been saying things that you would like, so
don't let it get you down that I'm not feeding you squishy things on rubber spoons.

Permenant, important, pertinant soil stains my hands at the end of the day. But instead of just ending with mess on two fingers like the rest of them, I've got my whole body in it.

On July fourth I will be dirty, too. Protest. I've only got matriotism in mind because I will not pay home.age to some father-land that you can't relate me to by blood.     "So what do you do?" "I work for the Department of Homeland Security."

I can dig this, and see, I'm not burrowing anymore. I'm not running after some white rabbit (Psalms, ha) looking in some twisted mirror.

They say that in the soil there's living organisms. Expose yourself enough and you'll be disease free. I still get parasites though. (They are all paranthetical paranoid hypothesis but still If i turn my back it'll just fuck me in the ass. I'm sorry, but I won't take it that way.) Besides That Bug I am verdant. 

Growing things this way makes me happy.

What has come into me. I like it when you're sitting in here, when you are in my wrists and you are in my eyes. I was shaking earlier- what had come into me?- but now I will melt with the best of them. 

Oh well. It might all drain anyways. Sometimes that's healthiest.

"Well, fuck the birds." Sometime around four in the morning, you don't know how much I wanted to laugh.  Or when I read the Newton story, and when you told me about the salamander I drew.

I'm tempted to pay you real gold, to parlance and bargian hard. I want to buy that rock there, from the two of you. Yes, I know it's not nearly as fun but the heat is getting to me and at least you can build with it.

Evolution. That's some goddamned funny shit right there.